GO FACILE ON YOURSELF!!

“People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it.”

                                                                                                -Edith Schaeffer

Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?

That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion — how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures.

Self-compassion – being warm and supportive towards ourselves and actively soothing ourselves–does help matters when we make a mistake or the going gets rough. It leads to less anxiety and depression, greater peace of mind, and, importantly, it makes us feel more motivated to make the improvements we need to. Self-compassion is one of those terms that has gained popularity of late but, remains misunderstood by many. It comes down to treating yourself as you would treat someone else you care about—with kindness, understanding, and the awareness that everyone is human, imperfect, but still inherently worthy. 

If you are anything like me, setbacks, mistakes and lapses can come with a fair amount of self-flagellation. Somehow I think that if I’m really hard on myself, I’ll be less likely to make the same blunder again, or I’ll motivate myself towards effective executions in the future. Admitting our failings does not need to come with commensurate self-criticism, however.

I’ve noticed a tendency toward chronic or constant self-criticism. Self-criticism doesn’t work. It doesn’t actually motivate us. Instead, self-criticism is associated with decreased motivation and future improvement. Among the many downsides to constant self-criticism: it can leave one either overly vulnerable to feeling criticized—even in response to constructive feedback—and can also lead to projecting self-criticism onto others (and becoming hyper-critical in general). In addition, self-criticism erodes self-esteem and can leave one feeling depressed, anxious, or hopeless.

To just remind yourself of how damaging being hard on yourself has been is in my experience a very effective way to replace the old habit with going easier on yourself. Movies, books and the people around you may push standards on you that are just pure fantasy or some kind of perfect dream. But life is life, not a fantasy or dream and to set such extremely high standards that no one can live up to just leads to what you may see as failure and disappointment in yourself and in your life. Instead, relax a bit and accept that everything and everyone has flaws and things don’t always go as planned. Accept that you can still improve things but they will never be perfect. And realize that you won’t be rejected if things or you aren’t perfect. At least not by reasonably well-balanced human beings, like most people actually are in reality.

This will help you to keep the soul-tiring monotony away and help you to stay enthusiastic instead of getting more and more unmotivated until you may even consider quitting halfway to that big milestone.

                 

                   “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

                                                                                                -George Bernard Shaw